explosions...

listening to smile empty soul
pushing you farther and farther into the street
waiting for that speeding car to just hit you hard.
knock you out unconscious, dead, lifeless.



yeah im talking about you..
yeah i feel like exploding...
yeah these feelings are real.
why you ask..because you use people



you use boys for the status of a relationship
you use your friends to constantly complain...
yelling and complaining about problems that are yours
and we are the verbal punching bag.



you think everyone is out to get you.
you think that everyone hates you
and when u want advice and we speak it.
you walk off and reject it if u dont like what you hear.



well im done now...
my day is pretty awesome.
i cant stop smiling.
unless your complaining.
i have the sweetest boyfriend
its a constant down pour outside.
lots of rain. its actually quite magical.

im sitting in photo j
while kids play with the photobooth on the macs
im writing a blog..=]

kaaaa--raaazzzzyyy

prom was saturday!! it was so much fun. me and my date looked amazing
the only problem i had with the night was that i had to share my date with someone who was once a good friend. but i let her go. i had my good time.
ill have some pictures up later...=] i felt beautiful for the first time in a long time and i was working it. i danced to every dance i could and i had a smile all all night even when things werent good. i didnt get to slow dance with my date at the dance for the whole world to see. so he made it up to me. after we left prom we went to white castles for JA-LOP-ENO =] burgers and then back to my house for a small ville marathon. when we got back he told me to pick a song to dance to and we slow danced in my living room. we danced to carrie underwood i told you so with randy travis. it was truely alot of fun. i would have to say that im very proud that i taught him to dance. i taught him the two step and a waltz. haha!! he said that it was fun and loves to dance with me.

but that was then...

this week is a crazy week. we have block scheduling so we have the odd days yesterday and today. 85 minutes in most of the classes and none of our lunches are the same and then tomorrow and thursday we have even classes and then a homeroom afterwards but thank god the seniors get a break...oh yeah!! we get to play some senior olympics games and stuff...

scary stuff to be thinking about graduating. next week we practice for graduation. ugh...yeah i graduate very soon...XD

so im sitting in photo journalism as of right now and we are playing scattergories. its fun to have a free day in here all the time. never have homework but to take pictures... so its practically an easy A!!

= 0 things are crazy!!

omg. so i have some serious drama in my life and im sooo done with alot of it!
my ex best friend told me she "is going to make her prom a living hell"
and im like yeah and how do u plan to do that.((this is a girl who has betrayed me that she wants to hurt cause she likes andrew as well))
she told me that she would kiss my ex and her now boyfriend in front of everyone at prom to show they are dating so that she will back off.
and i told her that that would hurt me ALOT more than it would hurt her. and you know it. and she was like well i dont wanna hurt you. and i told her gee thanks. and shes like your welcome. and im like thats not what i meant and shes like i know your telling me i crossed the line. and i havent said anything to her since.
so tonight he tells me that he told the other girl that he and my ex best friend were dating as of tonight which it has been a secret for a while.
im just like will you both stop rubbing it in my face!?!!
im freaking losing my hair and breaking out from stress and being depressed.
im like pulling out huge hand fulls of hair and im practically a wreck. i dont sleep at night because it hurts. i can barely eat because it hurts. my seminary grades are dropping because i lost all care in seminary and school honestly.
no one really knows how bad it hurts.
ill tell you how bad it hurts. i have told all 3 of them how much im hurt.
but they dont understand and they would be dating either way. no matter what i would say.

sorry to rant i really needed to get it out. and i dont wanna hear there are better guys out there. cause i was really liking this guy and getting to know him made alot of things amazing. i was always happy with him. and when its just the two of us hanging out everything feels amazing. but when u add one or the other things are like back off!!!!! i was a whole new person with him. i was always happy. always smiling.

now i just sit in my room all day and listen to sad songs and songs of rage and furry. i listen to HURT by JOHNNY CASH for gods sake. i mean seriously.
i need to stop getting to attached to people. maybe ill become a freaking nun.
join a convent. marry jesus. never see another man again. fall out of love and the real world all together. i mean seriously im having freakin bi-polar mood swings. ill go all the way to extreme crazy and then ill be calm and be like i wanna hang.
other times i wanna break someone in half and it being my ex best friend.

today i went from rage to cheery to blank in a matter of 20 minutes.
whats going on here? im serious getting sick. im making myself sick.
i cant fully enjoy prom this year. cause my date is dating my friend.
and they are going to freakin flaunt it all over the dance floor.
then they are staying at the hotel and are having a get together after prom
im just going to leave and go home and freakin veg.

then graduation announcements came in this week. and i didnt get any. we didnt order them. but the fear that graduation is seriously almost here. freaks me out!
im making my announcements. but for those who read this i graduate JUNE 7th AT 7 PM AT THE FAMILY ARENA. yeah we are one of the last ones to walk. ugh...
and on top of all that my entire april is filled with choir things every weekend. like next weekend is prom. the next weekend is dinner concert. and we are totally NOT ready for that. ugh

wow this is crazy long. i didnt think all this ranting would come out. but im like that and this is like a freaking journal so im spilling.

single ladies is on my personal radio. its such an awesome song. and its so how i feel. but then again so is disturbia by rhianna. see two emotions at once. crazy.
its giving me a headache. i wanna dance so bad. and omg its raining. haha glorious rain! atleast its not snow.

so i havent been sleeping lately. this week i have been staying up late because i cant sleep. and finally pass out at my computer at like 130 in the morning when usually im down at 11 pm.

so i got my dress for prom. its pretty. and now i need to find a place to get my hair done. and im going to get my nails done the friday before prom. so they will be pretty. yay! i am excited about that. and that friday night i plan to have some girls come over to have a mini spa thing and get all pampered before prom. so it should be pretty fun. so im just busy busy busy.

waking up fearless

haha. so i just got the new taylor swift cd. AWESOME!!!! and i got the david archuleta cd. wow. im just behind in my music updates. haha. i love them both!

so i have some bad news. new jersey wont be having a new populating member.
im not moving there anymore. cant afford a long distance school. and i dont have a car to get me anywhere when i get up there. not a big deal. just a huge bummer.
there are plenty of other beauty schools that i could attend. or i might just work for a year. then attend school later. we shall see. right now. i need a job. this summer is going to be a big load of busy for me.

in other news. prom is right around the corner for me. i still have my date even though my bumped down best friend is now dating him. god! she is mean. thats a long story. not going to tell. still cant get over him..

i saw fast and furious last night. good movie. although i have not seen the other...3? yes something like that. saw it with my ex and his brother and some other friends from karate. no i dont do karate...they are just friends. haha. got home super late from that. like almost 1230 this morning.. haha.

my burn from about a week ago i think is healing. its still a huge bummer on my hand. was really gross the other day. but im sure its fine looking now. haha.

yesterday was state contest for band and choir. im in the choir. we went to warrenton high school. and let me brag just once if i must. haha we got 2 ones across the floor and a 1 in site reading!!!! how amazing is that!! ((its really good if u didnt know)) =] we were there from about 2 in the afternoon till about 7 at night. didnt get home till about 8 ish. and it was COLD! but it was really fun. i had a great time and i was happy to get out of school. wasnt honestly looking forward to 7th period. sorry.

but today is tartan days down on main street. i might go down for a tad to see some friends down there. might go for a huge run. i need to loose alot of weight. my goal before school starts is to loose around 20 lbs. and keep going. so goodbye to soda,junk food and fats. cause im eating healthy and going running. need to buy me some diet pills too...hmmm??? i wanna come back from school looking HOT! haha. well not flabby i suppose. no more baggy clothes. hello to fit and heatlthy...=]