...quiet....

its better now. the yelling anyway...
but things seem very tense....
things are not the way it used to be..
before the war. stupid iraqis.
oh well what can we do now?

i have been thinking about college these past couple of weeks.
and so its not very quiet in my head..lots of running around up there.
lots of are you sure this is what you want?
are you sure u wanna move out?
blah blah blah.
if i wasnt sure then i wouldnt being doing crazy things.
i wanna go to a cosmetology school.
and there are 3 to choose from.
one in new jersey.
one in edwardsville illinois.
and one some where close to the mall?

but i wanna do something i want.
and i think i have decided....
but i need the help of so many. and so much.
i cant even think straight. grants this and loans that.
money money money!
sometimes i wish that college could be free. ugh...

i just need a scholarship. a grant. and loans up the waazoooo!
im going nuts down here...
ugh....

the scariest thing ever

my week has been very relaxing. until i exploded on sunday. yeah thats what i said sunday. lol
i have been having problems alot lately with my mom.
i dont want to go into details over them. but i am.
and then i exploded and cried all morning on sunday.
and even tho i expressed how i was truely feeling.
she still gives me the guilt trips im so sick of!

and i think our family is falling apart very very fast.
no one outside the house knows it. but its scarying all of us kids.
doors slam. everyone cries. then there is silence. im running out of places to hide.
i dont know what to do. and i cant wait till something happens and its all fixed.
well i hope fixed as in it gets much much better.

i seriously want to run away. live with someone far away.
i dont want to hear the screaming and the crying.
i just want peace.quiet. i want happiness.

thats where it ends.
with me in the ground.
i cant take it!